Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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