I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
