Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
