I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
