just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
