So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
