you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
