Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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