Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
