I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
