i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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