i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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