guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
