i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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