rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
