cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
