I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
