Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize