I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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