Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
