i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
