As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
