My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
