took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
