he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
