We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
