My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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