sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
