I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
