Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
