Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
