I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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