Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
