we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
