shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
why do cheetos always look like penises
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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