If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
