Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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