i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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