the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
