If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
