WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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