i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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