The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I can't turn off my feet"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
