I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize