I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
