theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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