The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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