He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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