Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
