Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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