I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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