Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
