I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
