Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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