My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
