At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
