we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
