I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
