I love black thongs
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize