I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
