im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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