if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
